A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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