Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
