I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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