I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize