everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
