all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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