Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
