he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
