i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
