Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
