Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
