I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
