They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
