i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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