I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
