The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
