Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
