What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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