Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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