So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
