I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You ruined the universe
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
