There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Randomize
