If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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