I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
