Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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