just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
