My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
