the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
