i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Alive.
So much puke
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
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