we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
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