the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
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