You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
