I just threw up on my dentist
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
