I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
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