Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
