I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
