so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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