seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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