textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
The air was thick with penises
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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