pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Randomize
