so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
