I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
