I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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