Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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