One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
