oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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