He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
