i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
