Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
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