I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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