So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
